put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
