which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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