Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
