I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
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Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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