A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
