Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
