based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
