Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
