Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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