eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
