I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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