we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
