In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
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It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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