Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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