Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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