My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
