I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
