apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
