do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
