I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
