I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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