Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
