Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??