I hate all girls vehemently.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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