dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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