Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
