I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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