if only i could text you this smell
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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