please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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