I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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