I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
