worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
