Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
