Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
