Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So squirting runs in the family.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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