I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dicks are not precious.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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