We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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