you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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