If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
