the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
