me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
