Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
