I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
