when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
