I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
one might say we're banned from that church
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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