Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
