I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
