her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
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