i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
