His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
