Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
