I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
