Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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