I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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