masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Ladies don't puke and tell
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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