And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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