his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my being single is dangerous.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
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Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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