yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
