you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
