is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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